09 January 2019
Author: Adrian Anderson
“In the fight to be ‘good enough’and ‘evil enough’ parents, the children are the referees and they record every blow and water every seed we sow. The result on the cards when the game is called? A draw to madness and a withering of the souls!! So, see for yourself.”
Step-fathers, mentors and teachers are all vital for the role of modelling fathering. Stepfathering is a difficult task for men who father many or one. Step-fathering requires a lot of permission from the family system he is entering. Without these permissions and agreements no step-fathering can take place and poor partnering will be the by-product.
Stepfathering less straight forward and specific than fathering and need a whole lot of support, compassion,kindness and care from partners, children, community, grandparents and other relationships than a real father would in his presence. If the father is dead it still require his spiritual presence, if you are in disbelief ask a Christian.
A step father is not just a man who steps in, steps up, steps on, then step out. He has to be more consistent in his presence more than a biological father would if he choose to accept his mission.
A step father allows himself to be stepped upon, what I mean is. He has to stoops low so the children can step on his knees then, climb up and sit on his shoulders, to sit high and see their world as a father would, as he tours life in their company. He then becomes a man-touring with our children, and his family, stepping through life with him, walking side by side. He must possess humility on his mission for many reasons, especially to stave off his own shame and to ensure he does not model a false sense of pride. He is a manifestation then of, the meaning of, son of one and father of many, and a model that is more diverse than just being a father. Say no more dads.
The Man-tour in the step father is crucial. He has to have done the tour or journey of moving from a male, then to a boy and finally arrived man. He has to look at his tour of being or not being fathered.The reason is, it takes a lot of reflection for tolerance to be a father, Man-tour and a partner. Step fathering cannot happen without a constant presence and partnership with a solid contract between parents involved and uninvolved. He is stepping moment by moment, day by day, month by month, year by year and has many obstacles that will be place in his way already.
What can help fathering or step fathering work when we do our best ?
Fathering work best, when, before we access a pound of flesh, we have a contract that recognises the reality that all involved is human and any flesh sharing and creating is a part of the human consciousness. It takes two pounds of different flesh that holds two different energies to come together to create or co-create or pro-create the third bit of flesh synergy to make fathering and mothering possible. If there is a binding contract on how all flesh will be treated and the contract has a solid foundation, fathering then can focus on a spiritual mental, psychological, biological, financial and other responsibilities the comes with step of biological fathering. Here then is the breaking of one or more cycles that we observed perpetuated from generation to generation.
Contracting agreeing consenting to break old patterns and reduce the risk in the mission to be and become a step parent
A step father has to start his role and responsibilities from a different point of origin, hence a different contract and more agreements are needed for him to fulfill his responsibility properly. Without contracts, agreements and defining responsibilities, interference will be the order of the day and the dance will be spoilt. The first consent and contract that is required or will be required is that of the child or children for those brave enough. They will be a need to express how and what they expect the fathering involvement to look like and developed. The first injustice step children might experience is having a person forced in to their life without their permission. Having a step parent also changes the order of responsibility in the child’s life especially males who has come to see themselves as men, or the absence of a father forced them to think they are the man in mommy’s life and he is responsible for the home. Here is the breaking of another cycle of cycle that will not allow its breaking without a challenge which is spiritual, mental,psychological in nature and pose a risk of physical consequences too many to mention.
Taking on the responsible of first contract or lack of contract did not protect the child. It can’t be the all-powerful, all needy and needing adults say this is who will be stepping here now. The child or children will need to know the cost and benefits of stepping, and who will manage their pain when the get stepped in intentionally or by accident and are suffering.
Men must step in knowing their worth and have a good self estimate. Without his male will be abused, his boy will come out and his manhood will die leading to him becoming incompetent, impotent and self-important. He will not be able to meet the needs of those who will step on him and the steps will move from love to pain of abuse, and the cycle keep rolling. Bammm, a new step father is needed and will be inflicted on the child.
Step fathering is not a rescuing act, it is not a male thing or a boy thing, or a pound a flesh thing. It is a responsibility thing, a resource thing. It is a relationship thing for children, a human thing and a humanity thing. It is not a cause suffering thing, it’s a love thing, a compassion thing, a kindness thing, a positive model thing, with a child or children being in agreement thing, because children are not things, they are being that are becoming and step fathers doing their best are providing a model of how they can become adults adding to.or taking away from your model.
How to approach step fathering for best results?
1. Get the agreement, permission and consent of the child or children. They have power and choice, and trust that they will use it to stop you getting what you all need to be at PEACE. The satisfaction they you will get from a pound if flesh will be short-lived and turmoil return in the morning. With the children’s involvement from the start and in the contract you will be empowering them and in return be empowered. It’s the first act of honesty you will teach them, this will prove their acceptance and a chance to test your words, to see if you are a true “team player” not just a “player” in the game again. Be willing to share power and control, shed pride, be humble. So not resist power and control, I repeat, don to resist power and control, it will cause abuse. Step away step out or step up but don’t resist. An alternative is to stand beside it, insulated but not isolate until it is earthed or grounded and the charge is discharged. So be grounded from the start, especially on and with the radiator. Wake up brothers, try not to go in your role sleeping with and staying asleep, get up early and stay, don’t let the boy hearing you leave not knowing who if or when you coming back! You will hear them on the street saying “big man, you can’t tell me nothing still.
2. There are a multitude of ways one could take the tour. Be mindful, take it step by step never getting ahead of your self. Always, always, always remember your label “step” and never fall out of step. While you are stepping you will never be fighting. Notice when you are fighting that you are not stepping, you are trying to father. You not the kids them father, you are everything useful if you are a man except father. You will be and become a man-tour, guide, mummy man, husband, the role model.
3. Take steps with the parent you are going into a binding relationship. Know the difference between a single parent and a parent who have a partner or partners who evade responsibility for fathering. Or your best intention have a pit of fire at the end and hell hat no fury when it hottest, you are ashes before you start.
4. Remember that the saying that half of a man is better than none, being a half will eventually end with you being none. A step father who stands for nothing will fall for anything and will be stepped on and will step on others to cause pain. Learn compassion and kindness and do your best. The tools of a father are m for a step father. You might have to work on your tools first as you go in your steps. Be prepared to be flexible tolerant of all.
4. If you lack knowledge of your self-worth or no good self estimate, get help. Find a Man-tour. A man has to be able to define his worth and have a good self estimate or others will estimate it for you and your value will not hold. Surround yourself with men and take their advice, it there are no men, read find a mind model if there are no role model. It you are going into a step parent role is highly likely that the models you will be building on might have failed. You attempting to modify them could trigger, shame, blame guilt and fear of vulnerability. Part of your stepping is knowing when to step up, step back, step out and step in without leaving. I step away humbly now, with a prayer of blessing to all steppers.
A few words of encouragement if needed to fathers, step fathers, man-tours, mentors, brothers
Hey brothers, if it don’t work, try again. Dont beat yourself up, it not a mission of perfection, it is a mission of nurturing. You took a big step to become a step up with the tools that you have that were gifted to you by God, your ancestors, males, boys and men, as well as you own conscience. Our conscience is our internal self critic or self encourager. The criticism in and about the step parent role is loud. Hearing others criticisms especially if you dont know you value and is taking on the role for the wrong reasons can be defeating. Silence the critics. Focus your attention on what you do well, say well and model well. If you can do that at your best for seven years you will make a difference. You are a weed controller and a seed planter, planting on another man plot and the plot of our children, sow well and they will reap well. If they are reaping well, we would have done well, and if not its your best.