Photo by Dazzle Jam on Pexels.com
27th January 2019
If our boys are allowed to speak they wont have to scream.
Because this is written with my enthusiasm and passion, forgive me if as we go along there appears to be a loss of compassion. Passion is a boyish quality and can prejudice my thinking and be interfering with my attention to compassion. This is not an apology as it is an acceptance that I am human. I have decided to take the plunge and write about “the black boy.” To be honest the only black boy I can speak about is mine. If our boys are human, so are our girls and if the boys are unsafe so are the girls. I am going to thread very carefully here and say that, I might get some of this wrong, and some of this right. No permission is needed to take the accurate bits and discard the rubbish or feedback an accurate account and I write that with humility. What I am saying is that, I am half deaf and half blind as we see through a dark glass clearly. I am going to say, “I am the blind man selling rice.
Here I am going to put the rice on the scale, tell you it is my pound of rice. For us to be accurate you must see the evidence and be able to see pass the smoke screens in human relationships that are built to defend us from reality. Again I deny myself for a multitude of reasons, but with consciousness. I have protected my soul with conscious awareness of the sources greater than us, our ancestors and God. My fear is displace by the courage to seek some freedom for our children on a whole, and to regain what appears to be another loss or eroding aspect of our humanity and our children’s human experience.
The freedom and safety we seek for our sons can start from and be achieved from within ourbfamily systems first. If freedom is found in our family systems, we can repeat the q Freedom has to be achieved by working collaboratively, compassionately, cooperatively, carefully, in humility and with shared sense of responsibility. I will be brief will write from mind in the present, mindfully through appreciatve enquiry and as compassionately. I will avoid pin pointing responsibility in a geographical location. This is not to blame ot say that anyone or anything about black boys experience is “bad” but to ponder change. Hope this defence will protect, prevent as the words project or provoke the ponderings.
Struggling Sons slips slowly to the solitude of the side-lines and secure settings that are savage
Our sons are struggling to survive safely in a world that is slowly side lining them to the solitudes of confined spaces, that are being socially constructed to provide the type security, that should accommodate savages and does not to meet their human needs for healthy development. I have been working with children since I was a child like a lot of other African and Caribbean adults now, and other adults from other backgrounds on my journey and experience. This experience has given me a point of view of the deficits and struggles that children experience. I was stuck as a child for over thirty years, hence I never got to work with myself to become a well adjusted adult in a timely manner; yes thirty you read that correctly. Individuals who have worked with me to readjust myself to transition, can attest to my frustration and the passion that I invested in freeing my inner child, and other children. I say this with humility and recognise that because I was others were too. They will say at times, I would have taken all my compassion from the adults to give to the children. One discovery while making my adjustment is that there is no benefit from depriving and person compassion, understanding, forgiveness and care, we all hurt. The goal for my self adjustment was to achieve healing, freedom of mind, body and spirit and up safety to meet human needs and recover the loss human concept and install a compassion model from within.
My experience exposed that, suffering and struggling parents with untreated wounds of the past, pass this suffering on from one generation to the next, but this is an assumption and too sweeping, lets see for ourselves.
I have written all that to say that, it is possible to transition at different ages and stages so there is hope if our sons. The chance to meet and work with a man-tour who will provide feedback and reflection can help boys identify a positive mind model that they can model and remodel, with love, understanding, compassionate, caring, genuine, consistent, non rejecting, tolerant human being. When I was unable to find a willing mentor, I took the model that was provided by Jesus and converted the image of the father, just to be mindful and compassionate, and make him mine and be grounded in reality. His model is amazing for a role model, when fitted with images that are racially and culturally congurent.
A child’s perspective to makes sense of their world…
The pressures for our sons and young black boys, appears to be insurmountable, leading to all sorts of mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, psychological challenges and manipulation, if you are a parent check it. In a conversation with my son, he gave me an analogy he derived from him watching “Teen Wolf ” on Netflix to help me understand the social challenges for him in school and how he viewed the environment. He tells me that there is not enough Alphas are available to guide the Betas to achieve their pp Alphas end up being Omegas and then becoming Kanima. This was frightening at first and only my new behaviour of being more attentive and more mindful that led me to hear what he was saying in the here and now.
At first I was anxious at the animal concept in his internal working model as a child. Then on reflection I was relieved as it clarify his stage of development is a male. I have to now step up my development and consciousness to support him to Bata standards and status, with understanding, compassion, empathy, constant forgiveness and the care, of an Alpha that the spirits God and our ancestors have endowed on me. and the need to continue to develop to be and become the best. He has taught me that to whom much is given and who have taken, much is expected. What my son has exposed me to is, confirmation of the model the Black Psychologist Dr Niam Akbar used in his book “Vision for Black Men.” It is said that, “reading makes a full man and this is a book that is a must read for any parent of black males to help understand and support them in their transition to manhood.
The burden, mental load and struggles of the black son that deprives him freedom
There are a plethora of reasons why our sons are burdened and struggle to lose the grasp of being a male to move to being and becoming boys, and then transitioning to manhood in a safe timely manner. The first experience of incarceration for our son can be in their mental state, feeling trapped in development. He is never pointed to his internal working model of thoughts, feelings, body sensations and a mirror to reflect his behaviours as a male and learning how to manage his shame and pride to be humble.
This is as a result of systemic acts or omissions such as, the smoke screens between adults when they come together become parents. The intense negative emotions and energy that are injected into a family systems from the presence of resentment, unforgiveness, holding on to the pain of rejection and abandonment that is inherited, from a long history. Being a child and is making the assumptions that they are adults and taking on excessive responsibilities. Not being recognised, reassured and stimulated for doing their best, taking things personally, learnt irresponsibility, poor or inappropriate communication between adults and the son. Poor or lack of synergy for the sons modelling and remodelling as they transition from male to boy in seeking to become a man. Poor mental health struggles. The concept that misery loves company and not wanting the company to escape due to pride, shame, blame and lack of compassion to name a few of the burdens place on them.
Lightening and unpacking the load for freedom and development in to true potential and men. All requiring understanding and compassion, empathy, kindness, blamelessness, responsibility as it seem burdensome in isolation. This needs the old whole village approach or a systemic, black psychological and human psychological approach to rebalance, alleviate, ameliorate and set them free to become Betas then Alphas to avoid the turmoil of the Omegas and the Kanima.
Our family systems must address the experience of domestic violence and abuse and the manipulation of our sons that has being normalised.
Domestic violence cause children to be and become unsafe. Domestic violence is verbal, mental, emotional, mental, psychological. It includes the cussing and putting down of each other and the critical behaviours that them of their value and ability to self estimate and self esteem. Relationships with Domestic abuse are poor models of relationship and lacks self-esteem in both adult and children’s self esteem and cause mental health problems such as anxiety and depression with physical health problems in childhood and Adult stages of life. Increased heart rate, racing thoughts, abdominal problems, breathing problems, lack of sleep and lack of self care and self compassion. Domestic violence of any kind leads to poor academic achievement due to fear, worry, chewing over the past and lack of concentration and staying present in mind and problem solving. There is evidence and research that say that the boy that is not engaging in education is more likely to end up in the youth criminal justice and eventually the adult justice system and mental health treatment.