Author and Publisher: Adrian Anderson
17th January 2019
“What is it like to be on other end of your partner when communication lacks compassion? That sounds painful. What is that like suffering for so long in silence to hold the shame?“
It is hard to say we are suffering when one is suffering in silence due to a lack of communication in our marriage or other relationship. It is even harder when we speak and think you are never heard or is stonewalled. Talking and not listening and hearing is not is not the same as communicating and is the core of relationship problems. Communication is forming a habit of talking, listening, hearing, reacting and responding to give our relationship its unique character for couples, families and friendship.
You might not believe this one, but poor communication coupled with a lack of recognition that one or both persons are suffering is horrific, painful and even traumatic if repeated. Not responding or not reacting with a response to stimulate and alleviate or provide a connection with the other persons, is detrimental as it lets fear into the relationship. When fear walks in it is accompanied by distress, and suffering then love walks out. Love needs to be experienced with courage, security and vulnerability. There can be no love without vulnerability and no vulnerability without love.
In couple relationship fear can can play a big part in the turmoil that is experience within and love and compassion the peace we seek. Not only that, it can lead to enduring poor mental health when something is not done about this disorder for love. Poor communication can cause pain pre generation, pre-natal, lived experience and post-generation suffering.
Communication is vital for problem solving “here andnow” and its absence will lead to a legacy of peoblem for the future and future generations. Poor communication can be heredity, stamped on our DNA as is suffering and a absence of self and other compassion.
Poor communication can result in worsening symptoms of depression symptoms of anxiety disorder especially attachment disorders. However, learning from the experience can bring new meaning awareness and responsibility for championing change. The suffering if explored and its origin discovered, can be useful for resurrection and or rebirth of loving relationships and enduring peac, that is our true nature. People on a whole, depend on relationships to meet much of their basic human needs.
For example, a relationship provides recognition stimulation and certainty for adults and children to learn about themselves, the others, the world they live in, and to accepting responsibility for themselves and not unnecessarily blame or criticise themselves or others.
A relationships with good communication and compassion is empowering, as it provides a sense of safety, security, the love and belonging we all seek engagement in the game of life and our gifts. The lack of or the loss of communication and an absence of compassion in relationship can be disempowering and lead to recurring symptoms of depression and recurring symptoms of Generalised anxiety and low self esteem other disorders for children young people and adults.
At Cognitive Behavioural Transformations, couples who are suffering are supported to develop the life and relationship skills that are unique for their relationship.
We know that suffering is a normal human experience that cannot be eliminated. From the work we do we know that starting a relationship with positive communication, or repairing ruptures in communication can restore peace, eliminate verbal abuse and hostility and prevent partners and others suffering in the shame of domestice abuse.
Without compassion as a core ingredient in relationship as is empathy, understsnding, honesty, being without pretence, acceptance and love, we know that abuse is normalised. In most case it is in the thought, “I am suffering so let them feel what I am feeling.” Or I am alone in my suffering I need company.” OR “I cannot and MUST not suffer alone.”
A lack of connection, compassion, communication, consideration, co-operation, contemplation, conversation, change and continuation leads to stuckness. How can we move to the next level then?
What if the answer is, “we are suffering ‘now’ please help?”